I was sleepy before I thought about writing my feelings out.
The past few weeks was okay. After 'the fight', there were some up and downs with my feelings, but for me it was okay...
...for a while.
I specifically made a post on Instagram about the day I decided to meet my counselor and told him what I'd been feeling at that time. I promise to myself that I would take every consequences caused by the decision I made. I am keeping that promise. I still am,
but I didn't think that it would hurt my heart every time I hear his name.
To be honest, I don't know how I exactly feel about this problem. On one side, I've been feeling very sad about this. I feel like I am throwing a very rare chance of growing, but on the opposite pole, lately I feel like I've been having the control of my own life.
All my life I've been taking orders from my parents. Take this course, take that course, go to this university, listen to your counselor, do this, do that. I am sick of that. Do note that I did everything they want me to do. It sucks to watch yourself being such a submissive. All I want is their happiness, but it means I have to keep seeing my own dream being postponed for years.
And to be honest, having a teacher that was, in one way, very similar to my parent was... sickening. I am sorry to say this but it's true. I was sick of seeing myself being submissive to someone. Seeing him was like seeing my parent. Not listening to him was like not listening to my parent.
In the process of recovering from this problem, I realized something important. I want to take over my life. I want to take it from my parent's hands. I want to shape it into whatever I want it to be. I still AM gonna be a doctor. A great one. I promise. But that doesn't mean I have to do it in my parents way. As long as the way that I take is a good one.
I enrolled in the university hoping that I'll get a clear path ahead of me.
But I didn't get it.
I was so angry at myself, I was so disappointed in myself that I, once again, wasn't good enough. I know, god's sake, I know that just 'me' is never enough. I know I have to keep growing. But having someone acts exactly the way your parent was when the reason you wanna go outside your hometown was to avoid having to see your parents everyday is an irony. It's like going from a pair of cuff to the another one.
I mean, yeah, I know I have to learn TONS of things, but that doesn't mean I have to figure it ALL out in my FIRST year of pre-clinic. Some clinic students haven't even figure it out so why should I rush it? That was what makes me angry the most. He made me feel like I am stupid for not figuring this in a second. Part of it was my fault and I admit it. It was because I am lazy. I was lazy because I didn't like medical school. I may be sorta good at it but I didn't like it. I was so scared to take steps in this unknown world. I didn't know shit and I was scared. I was so scared, I almost cried everyday. It was plain pathetic.
So, instead of cursing the darkness and the things that have happened. I want to make things right, I don't care it it's slow, as long as I'm happy. Nobody cares if I cry everyday for the same pathetic reason. I will take care my own being. Mentally, spiritually and everything. I don't want to be sad for the same reason again and again.
I wanna be happy.
And happy I will be.
